What is emotionally focused therapy?

If you’re in a relationship you should probably know about this type of therapy. If you want to better your communication skills, you should probably know about this therapy. You want to better your connection with someone then yep, you should probably know about emotionally focused therapy.

This is a type of couples therapy that is designed to help both individuals feel secure feel close to each other.

An example of a common thing that happens in relationships is when someone has had a really bad day at work instead of going immediately home, they go out and grab a couple drinks. During this time their partner is at home waiting for them, and they’re feeling alone, and anxious. Some hours later when their partner comes through the door, they begin questioning them about where they were. Stating that they were sitting alone, worried sick and thought their partner was hurt.

Meanwhile the person who had a bad day at work may be feeling guilt, shame, or anger and are not interested in a fight. They have already had a really hard day and they decide they can’t do this fight right now, so they leave. The person who was alone all day has an attachment need to know that their partner is there for them. That was not being met. Which then caused them to be critical when the other person came through the door.

The person that came through the door maybe just wanted to know that they were good enough, and that bad day at work didn’t mean anything. That was their attachment need. But, because of the day they had and being critically questioned right when they got home, they start shutting down. They withdrawal leaving their partner alone again.

This can then turn into a “don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you” pursuer withdrawal dynamic. Neither person feels close, understood, or connected. Emotionally focused therapy teaches couples to be vulnerable. Instead of criticizing EFT helps the person express how they were feeling, worried. Stating I was so worried, and I need to know that you’re okay, that nothing has happened.

Since their partner is not being attacked it is easier to hear and perhaps instead of withdrawing, they can communicate that they dropped the ball. They can explain what their day was like and that they don’t feel good enough, as well as their desire to know that they’re good enough.

There are these two competing styles of conflict resolution. One person wants to hash things out and the other just wants to brush it under the rug and not fight. This can become really difficult for either person to feel heard or understood.  If this dynamic is familiar to you then emotionally focused therapy is something that is worth looking into.

If this is not familiar to you then you can use this therapy to better your relationship. To simply recognizing your pattern, or cycle so that you can stop it. With emotionally focused therapy the goal is to take couples who were feeling disconnected and help them feel secure. There are changes in the brain that occurs when there’s a sense of security. I encourage you to look into it, to learn about it and see if it works for you.

If you want to watch this video visit What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? | How EFT Helps Relationships | Couples Therapy – YouTube