There are a lot of communication skills out there and putting them in order is important. Here are four things that you can do to help improve your communication. These are particularly helpful if someone else is emotional and you’re wanting to help them feel better faster.

The first thing is reflective listening.

You might have heard about. This lets the person know that you are attempting to follow along with what they are saying, and if there’s any misunderstanding it provides them an opportunity for redirection and correction. Simply summarize what they are saying.

The second thing validation.

Simply stating “I can see how that would feel (insert an emotion what you imagine they might be feeling)”.  What is interesting about these two things is sometimes you’ll do this and then the other person will open up more.

The third is using “I” statements.

Third if the situation involves you, you then express your emotions. This is best done using “I feel this when this”, this method is known as an I statements. If you have something that’s important to say the other party is not likely going to listen until they feel heard themselves. By providing them an opportunity to be heard and understood then your perspective might be welcome.

The fourth thing is problem solving or positive reframe.

Let’s say someone’s complaining about work, and you say well “I could get another job” and then think “no I can’t, that’s why this sucks so bad”. Then you spin the perspective “I suppose that’s a good problem to have, at least you have a job”. Generally, a person will welcome this comment only after that person feels heard and understood.

If someone comes to you and they’re complaining, and you skip those steps to problem solving and say, “well get another job then”, they’re not going to feel better. If you skip the steps into a positive reframe saying “oh, be glad you have a job” they’re not going to feel better. You may be really good at problem solving but if you want what you’re saying to be considered you have to include the first two steps.

Try this when someone comes to you to talk, try going through this order it will help.